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1686241304-1 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: It’s Bad For Ya (2008) Full transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-its-bad-for-ya/ | Full transcript of It’s Bad for Ya, final HBO stand-up comedy special by stand-up comedian George Carlin. It was televised live on March 1, 2008 on HBO. Filmed in the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to begin… I’d like to… Thank you. Thank you. I’d like... |
1686241308-2 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: COMPLAINTS AND GRIEVANCES (2001) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-complaints-grievances/ | Complaints and Grievances is a HBO stand-up special by comedian George Carlin. Its working title was I Kinda Like It When a Lot of People Die, but it was renamed following the September 11, 2001 attacks. It was recorded on November 17, 2001, at the Beacon Theater, New York City, New York. “The Opening” Thank you. I rea... |
1686241312-3 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Reggie Watts: Spatial (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/reggie-watts-spatial-transcript/ | Hello, I’m Thomas. I’m so glad to meet you Mum’ ? I’m Freddie. I met a girl I like today. She’s beautiful. I just wanted to kiss you. – I want to kiss you now. You’re amazing. Any of you girls fancy it ? You’re repulsive. Go on, fuck off home ! I’m never going to a brothel with you again. # Oh God now when’s the time #... |
1686241315-4 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Jefferies on Gun Control [Full Transcript] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-gun-control-full-transcript/ | Australian comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014) by Jim Jefferies I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns... |
1686241319-5 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: Jamming in New York (1992) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-jamming-new-york-1992-full-transcript/ | Jammin’ in New York is George Carlin’s 14th album and eighth HBO special, recorded on April 24 and 25, 1992, at the Paramount Theater, on the grounds of Madison Square Garden in New York City. “Rockets and Penises in the Persian Gulf” Thank you and hello New York! Okay, it’s been a little while, it’s been a little whil... |
1686241323-6 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LOUIS C.K.: 2017 – Full transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-2017-full-transcript/ | Louis C.K Netflix special filmed in Washington D.C. and premiered April 4, 2017 Go ahead and do the lights. [audience cheering] Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. [audience cheering] Hello. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Um… – So, you know, I think abortion is, um… – [audience laughing] I… Here’s wh... |
1686241327-7 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Seth Meyers at the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/seth-meyers-2011-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/ | In April 2011, Saturday Night Live’s Seth Meyers hosted the star-studded White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner and he wasted no time in roasting Donald Trump and other controversial media figures. I’m Seth Meyers and I cannot thank you enough for having me tonight. Let me just say up top that this evening I’m ... |
1686241331-8 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: BACK IN TOWN (1996) – Full transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-back-town-1996-full-transcript/ | Back in Town is George Carlin’s 15th album and ninth HBO special. It was also released on CD on September 17, 1996. This was also his first of many performances at the Beacon Theater in New York City “Abortion”
Why, why, why, why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to fu... |
1686241335-9 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: The Age of Spin (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-age-spin-2017-full-transcript/ | This is Dave. He tells dirty jokes for a living. That stare is where most of his hard work happens. It signifies a profound train of thought, the alchemist’s fire that transforms fear and tragedy into levity and livelihood. Dave calls that look “the trance.” ♪ Play me ♪
♪ Buy me ♪
♪ Workinonit ♪
♪ Tune up ♪
♪ Tune ... |
1686241339-10 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Murphy: Delirious (1983) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-murphy-delirious-full-transcript/ | Filmed on August 17, 1983 at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington D.C. Ladies and gentlemen! Eddie Murphy! Thank you. Thank you so much. Two times, far two times. Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys. There’s some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got... |
1686241343-11 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: FREEDUMB (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-freedumb-2016-full-transcript/ | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [Jim Jefferies] Thank you. Oh, my God. Sit down. [audience continues cheering] All right. Get down, get down. We got jokes to tell. Come on. [chuckles] All right, let’s start this shit. Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] Now, I don’t know if you get all the news here in Nashville… ... |
1686241347-12 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: IT’S BAD FOR YA! (2008) – Testo italiano completo | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-bad-2008-testo-italiano-completo/ | Grazie, grazie, grazie! Mi piacerebbe iniziare… Mi piacerebbe… grazie, grazie! Mi piacerebbe iniziare dicendo: affanculo Lance Armstrong! Affanculo lui e le sue palle e le sue biciclette e i suoi steroidi e le sue maglie gialle… …e la stupida espressione vuota sul suo volto, sono stanco di quello stronzo. E già che ci ... |
1686241351-13 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: YOU ARE ALL DISEASED (1999) – Testo italiano completo | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-diseased-1999-testo-italiano-completo/ | Siete gentili, grazie! Grazie mille, lo apprezzo. Grazie mille, grazie a tutti, grazie! Lo apprezzo… Grazie, grazie… Allora, lasciate che vi chieda una cosa… …lasciate che vi chieda, come state tutti stasera, eh? Ottimo, be’, andate affanculo! Cerco solo di farvi sentire a casa vostra. Ora, sentite, sono stato qua fuor... |
1686241355-14 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: JAMMING IN NEW YORK (1992) – Testo italiano completo | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-jamming-new-york-testo-italiano-completo/ | Ciao, grazie. Grazie. Grazie. Grazie molte. Grazie. Grazie a tutti. Grazie a tutti. Grazie e un saluto a New York. Ciao New York e grazie. Si’. Ok. E’ passato un po’ di tempo dall’ultima volta che sono stato qui… …e nel frattempo sono successe un paio di cose. Volevo parlare un po’ della guerra nel Golfo Persico. Grand... |
1686241359-15 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR: LET IT GO (2010) – TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-let-it-go-2010-full-transcript/ | [Quirky rock music] All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for coming out here. Okay, okay. All right. Okay, I didn’t cure anything. Jesus Christ. Fuckin’ lifetime achievement award out here. Pro Swine Flu I…I have been on the road for the last five months. I do... |
1686241363-16 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Segura: Mostly Stories (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-mostly-stories-2016-full-transcript/ | [soft piano music plays] [Tom] I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s the best job in the world. And I love being an L.A. comic. Bam! Alfred the assassin. As a comic, what you’re supposed to do is live your life and report it. [woman] Anytime I do something nice for you, you shit on me! When is that?! I love the whole ... |
1686241367-17 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-deep-heart-texas-2017-full-transcript/ | [Morgan Freeman] He’s in the trance. He isn’t thinking of jokes, though. He’s composing the voiceover I’m saying to you right now. Getting me to agree to this was beyond his wildest dreams. And he doesn’t want to waste the opportunity on the frivolous. You have reached the voicemail of comedic genius Dave Chappelle. Un... |
1686241371-18 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: BARE (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-bare-2014-full-transcript/ | [Car horn honks] [Audience cheering] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim Jefferies! [Upbeat music playing] Hello! Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. [Chuckles] Thank you, Boston. I appreciate that. [Whooping] Uh, that’s very sweet of you. [Man] Love you! I’m at the end o... |
1686241375-19 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Trevor Noah: Afraid Of The Dark (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-afraid-dark-2017-full-transcript/ | [audience cheering] [music playing] Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. What’s happening, New York? Yeah! Oh, this is amazing. Thank you for coming out. We’re gonna have fun tonight. Welcome to it, people. This is us. Can I tell you for a second? This has been my dream since I started stand-up comedy, doing a special in New York City. ... |
1686241379-20 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin: Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-television/ | The original version of George Carlin’s classic routine, from his landmark comedy album Class Clown (1972). At the time Carlin was relatively well known for tame satirical routines about the entertainment industry. His previous album FM & AM released the same year, showed that he was already drifting towards counter-cu... |
1686241383-21 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICHARD PRYOR: LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP (1982) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-sunset-strip-1982-full-transcript/ | Recorded at the Circle Star Theater in San Carlos, California, in 1981 and at The Hollywood Palladium in Hollywood, California, in 1982. Ladies and gentlemen, live on the Sunset Strip, Richard Pryor! “Women”
We are gathered here today… to make sure… everyone eats. If not each other… food. I was gonna talk about someth... |
1686241387-22 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Richard Pryor: Live in Concert (1979) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-concert-1979-full-transcript/ | Filmed in Long Beach, California on December 10, 1978 [Distant traffic sounds] [Distant car motor] [Squeaking brakes] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Car door open] [Car door slam] [Crowd murmur & distant cheers] [Door slam] [Cheering and applause] Richard Pryor: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thank you. Thank ... |
1686241391-23 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Katt Williams: Live (2006) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-live-2006-full-transcript/ | [Police siren blaring] [Police radio chattering] [Crowd clamoring] CHRIS: Thank you. 100.9 the Wiz. Blazing hip hop and R and B. Jamming in the building right now. Man, it’s just an honor to have this guy just stop by just to say hi and say what’s up to Cincinnati. My man Katt Williams in the house. Say, Katt, you doin... |
1686241395-24 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Patrice O’Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patrice-oneal-elephant-in-the-room-2011-full-transcript/ | [Light funk music] * [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular. Bad titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was s’posed to com... |
1686241399-25 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts (2011) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-happy-thoughts-transcript/ | [Rock music] ¶ ¶ [cheers and applause] Thank you… San Francisco. All right, you’re ruining the show. [cheers and applause continue] Thank you… For clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Oh, San Francisco. Yes. [cheers and applause] Oh… My third favorite city to do comedy in. Huh? That’s not bad, right? Top ten. C... |
1686241403-26 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Hasan Minhaj at 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/ | Hasan Minhaj’s full comedy routine at the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The comedian told one blistering joke after another about the sitting President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the media that covers him. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room.
... |
1686241406-27 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL HICKS: RELENTLESS (1991) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-relentless-1992-transcript/ | Recorded in 1991 at the Centaur Theatre during the annual Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, Canada by Bill Hicks Aaaah, it’s great to be here, it really is. I love my job and I love being here, performing for you. And I love my job, it’s the greatest job in the world for one very simple reason, and it’s not ... |
1686241410-28 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LOUIS C.K.: LIVE AT THE COMEDY STORE (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-live-at-the-comedy-store-2015-transcript/ | Thank you. Oh. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, my God, thank you. This- You guys… You guys are great, thank you. This is what I talk like now, just so you know. I’m gonna do the whole show like this. A really-a very offensive stereotype… …of a Mexican. This is… This is a Mexican at the border. Just let me in! Jesus! He won’t... |
1686241414-29 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LOUIS C.K.: OH MY GOD (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-ck-oh-my-god-full-transcript/ | Intro
Fade the music out. Let’s roll. Hold there. Lights. Do the lights. Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I don’t necessarily agree with you, but I appreciate very much. Well, this is a nice place. This is easily the nicest place For many miles in every direction. That’s how you compliment a building... |
1686241418-30 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR: WALK YOUR WAY OUT (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-walk-way-2017-full-transcript/ | Netflix special filmed on October 21, 2016 at The Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. All right, thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? How’s it going? Thank you, thank you, thank you. Nice to be here. Nice to be here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Let’s see if I’m funny first. Let’s see if I’m funny.
Nice to be here i... |
1686241422-31 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Eddie Griffin: You Can Tell ‘Em I Said It! (2011) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-can-tell-em-i-said-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That n i g g a slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I ... |
1686241426-32 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly (2000) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-killin-softly-2000-full-transcript/ | Wooo! Ya’ll gone make me lose my mind. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me throw her out. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me act a fool. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me lose my cool. Up in here! Up in here! From the historic Lincoln Theater in Washington DC. Dave Chappelle! Thank you. Thank yo... |
1686241430-33 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dave Chappelle: For What It’s Worth (2004) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-worth-2004-full-transcript/ | Why’d you pick San Francisco to shoot your special? This is one of the best towns that ever knew comedy. And this is the most historic venue you got as far as comedians are concerned. ‘Cause Lenny Bruce ripped it down here. Yeah, all the best came through the Bay. What about Richard? What about Robin Williams? Carlin? ... |
1686241434-34 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR: YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME (2012) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-people-2012-full-transcript/ | [Crowd chatter] Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] All right. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, sir. How are ya? How’s it going? All right. [Cheers and applause] All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, everybody settle down. I wanna get a gun. I do. I really do. I never had that feelin... |
1686241438-35 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR: I’M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-im-sorry-feel-way-2014-full-transcript/ | [cheers and applause] All right, thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you? What’s going on? Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here in the greater Atlanta, Georgia, area, this oasis. It’s nice to be here. I don’t know why I came here in June. It’s nice to be here. Wasn’t thinking. Fuck... |
1686241442-36 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LOUIS C.K.: SHAMELESS (2007) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-shameless-2007-full-transcript/ | Please welcome Louis C.K.! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thanks, that’s very nice. Hello, everybody. How are ya? Woo! Good, thanks for- thank you, oh, good. Thanks, thanks for coming, thanks for being here. Thanks for not dying before you got here. Which could’ve happened. – Thanks for getting through the... |
1686241446-37 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LOUIS C.K.: HILARIOUS (2010) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-hilarious-2010-full-transcript/ | – You have your key in there, sir? – Yeah. – House lights? Go-wally, go on house lights. – You ready? – Spotlight. Spotlight. Spotlight. – Thank you. Hi. Thank you very much. Uh, thank you. Hello, everybody. Um, Hello. I mean, by everybody, I mean, uh, you guys. Uh, I mean everybody who’s here. Really I shouldn’t say “... |
1686241450-38 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: I SWEAR TO GOD (2009) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-i-swear-god-2009-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jim Jefferies. Hey. How are you doing? What a nice little start. My name’s Jim, I’m from Australia, but I’ve been living in the UK for like, the past 7 or 8 years and now I’ve moved out to America, it’s a big move for me, but because I’ve moved out to America, I’ve had to leave a girl I’ve bee... |
1686241454-39 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM GAFFIGAN: CINCO (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-gaffigan-cinco-2017-full-transcript/ | Full transcript of Jim Gaffigan’s fifth Netflix original stand up special Cinco. In Cinco, Jim tackles all sorts of topics like being fat and loving it, Summer vs Winter, Siberia, Wisconsin, Getting tricked to move to the midwest, spring vs fall, Mary Had A Little Lamb, vacationing in Western Mass, hiking, SUV’s vs Tru... |
1686241458-40 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-leather-special-2017-full-transcript/ | [announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other motherfuckers, get up off your ass for the baddest bitch: Amy Schumer! -[music playing] -[cheers and applause]
Yeah! What the fuck is up, Denver?! [cheers and applause] Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my God. This is such a big deal for me. I don’t know if you ... |
1686241462-41 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICKY GERVAIS: OUT OF ENGLAND 2 (2010) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-england-2-2010-full-transcript/ | Recorded before a live audience at the Chicago Theatre in Chicago (Music playing) (Cheering, applause) Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage creator of “The Office” and “Extras,” writer, director, actor, producer, philanthropist, winner of three Golden Globes, two prime time Emmys and seven BAFTAs, all ... |
1686241466-42 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theatre (2011) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-live-at-the-beacon-theatre-2011-full-transcript/ | [indistinct chatter] — Louis! — Louis! [indistinct chatter] [cheering] Alright, let’s get started. Go ahead, sit down. Okay, yes, sit down, we’re just starting. There’s no opening act. Fuck it. Just, let’s start. Let’s just start. Get your seats. Get your beers and everybody go ahead, sit down. Kill the house lights. L... |
1686241470-43 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: CARLIN ON CAMPUS (1984) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-carlin-campus-1984-full-transcript/ | [School bell] Welcome to the home of the class clown, the theater of suppressed laughter. When you were in school, did you notice that simply because you weren’t allowed to laugh, it made the laughing that much better. That there was something about trying to hold it in that made you laugh even harder. And it wasn’t ju... |
1686241474-44 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Tom Segura: Completely Normal (2014) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-completely-normal-2014-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Segura! [Cheers and applause]` Thank you. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Very nice of you. Thank you. I hope I live up to your expectations. I realized today that I need a hobby, because my workday just started, like, now. Right now. I mean, here’s the thing, it’s not even that big a part of my day.... |
1686241477-45 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MITCH HEDBERG: COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL (1999) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mitch-hedberg-comedy-central-special1999-full-transcript/ | Mitch Hedberg’s half-hour special on Comedy Central This is the uncut 37 minute version. Tonight from the Palace in Hollywood, California. Comedy Central Presents Mitch Hedberg! Thank you. Hey. Welcome to my half-hour special. Does anybody know who I am? Why did a bunch of people who don’t know who I am show it my spec... |
1686241481-46 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: AGAIN!* (1978) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-1978-full-transcript/ | * sometimes listed as On Location: George Carlin at Phoenix Performed at the Celebrity Star Theater in Phoenix on July 23, 1978 Hi, this is George Carlin, and I thought we might take a look at some of the pictures from the days when my show business career was just starting. This is one of the earliest photos of my day... |
1686241485-47 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: PLAYING WITH YOUR HEAD (1986) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-playing-head-1986-full-transcript/ | Recorded May 2–3, 1986, at the Beverly Theater in Los Angeles It started out like any other night. I was feeling good. I’d just put in a long days work and I was really sure about this. It felt tight, no loopholes but I wasn’t about to get cocky. I’d been down this road before. Hey where’s Billy? Uh, Mexico. Yeah, he w... |
1686241489-48 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | SARAH SILVERMAN: A SPECK OF DUST (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-silverman-a-speck-of-dust-2017/ | Girls and boys, please welcome to the stage. Sarah Silverman! Hi. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. I am so happy you guys are here. I’m sorry about the metal detectors. That is my bad. I, um… Tweeted something, and, uh, it made some people feel the need to express, um, wanting to kill me. And… I’m sorry I called for... |
1686241493-49 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Mike Birbiglia: Thank God for Jokes (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-birbiglia-thank-god-jokes-2017-full-transcript/ | [crowd chattering] Hi, I’m Jimmy Kimmel. Can I get everyone to be quiet, please? Can everyone be quiet? Please? Everyone? John. Where is John Krasinski? John, please tell everyone to be quiet and pay attention. Could you do it a little bit louder, please? Thank you, John. Good evening and welcome to the 22nd Annual Got... |
1686241497-50 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES: CONTRABAND (2008) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-contraband-2008-full-transcript/ | Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Art theatre. Can you please go mental for, Jim Jefferies! How you all going? Welcome to the recording of my first ever DVD people, so thank you for coming. Who’s seen me before, give me a yell? All right, who’s never seen me? OK, you do seem like a happier bunch. The show’s called 3... |
1686241501-51 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DOUG STANHOPE: DEADBEAT HERO (2004) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-deadbeat-hero-2004-transcript/ | Liberty
1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control
b.The right and power to act, believe, or express oneself in a manner of one’s own choosing The condition of being physically and legally free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor. Thanks. Do you work hard all week? Don’t do that. Don’t drink ... |
1686241505-52 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DOUG STANHOPE: BEFORE TURNING THE GUN ON HIMSELF (2012) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-turning-gun-2012-transcript/ | Before Turning the Gun on Himself is the eighth stand-up comedy album by Doug Stanhope, released on November 6, 2012, by Roadrunner Records. It was recorded live at The Complex in Salt Lake City, Utah. To Salt Lake, and now please welcome Doug Stanhope. (audience cheers and applauds) Thank you! Thank you very much. Tha... |
1686241509-53 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LEWIS BLACK: BLACK TO THE FUTURE (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lewis-black-black-future-2016-full-transcript/ | ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for the one and only, Mr. Lewis Black! [APPLAUSE] A survey from Public Policy Polling revealed recently that 13% of potential voters would prefer to have a giant meteor crash into the Earth and destroy civilization than to see either Hillary Clinton or Don... |
1686241513-54 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL HICKS: REVELATIONS (1993) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-hicks-revelations-1993-full-transcript/ | Recorded at the London Dominion Theatre in November 1992
FX: galloping horse’s hooves
CUT: the moon
FX: howling wolves
CUT: a Black Slab, looking rather like the Monolith from 2001. Fog clouds play across it.
CUT: a white horse, carrying a masked man, who also wears a hat and cloak.
The horse rears back and whin... |
1686241517-55 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | John Mulaney: The Comeback Kid (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-comeback-kid-2015-full-transcript/ | Armed with boyish charm and a sharp wit, the former “SNL” writer John Mulaney offers sly takes on marriage, his beef with babies and the time he met Bill Clinton All right, Petunia. Wish me luck out there. You will die on August 7th, 2037. That’s pretty good. All right. Hello. Hello, Chicago. Nice to see you again. Tha... |
1686241521-56 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts And Prayers (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-thoughts-prayers-2015-full-transcript/ | Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, San Francisco. Thank you so much. So good to be here. People were surprised when I told ’em I was gonna tape my special in San Francisco. Said, “Why would you do that? That’s the most politically correct city in the world.” Not when I’m on stage, it’s not. I love this place. One of my f... |
1686241524-57 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ANTHONY JESELNIK: CALIGULA (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-caligula-2013-full-transcript/ | Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Anthony. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Jeselnik. Jeselnik! Anthony Jeselnik. WOMEN: Anthony Jeselnik! WOMAN: Anthony Jeselnik. -Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ] I know, right? [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. So great to... |
1686241528-58 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-make-happy-2016-full-transcript/ | [woman on TV] That has been, really, a difficult thing for me. My mother has always been a very difficult person all her life. Very unhappy. I can never remember my mother being happy. [inhales deeply] And as she gets older, however she was as a young person, I find it’s just now exaggerated and, uh… so, she’s, uh, 83 ... |
1686241532-59 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Bo Burnham: What (2013) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-what-transcript/ | Bo What? Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O And on that farm he had a pig E I E I O Here a snort There a Old MacDonald had a farm E I E I O [Applause] This is Bo Burnham. He’s 22 years old. He’s a male. And he looks like the genetic product of a giraffe having sex with Ellen Degeneres. He has a gigantic head and tiny n... |
1686241536-60 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | MARIA BAMFORD: OLD BABY (2017) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/maria-bamford-old-baby-2017-full-transcript/ | I always like to tell audiences… pre-program, just in case you’re brought here by a friend. Sometimes friends lead us astray. I had two very close friends. My parents invite me to go see a film. I said, “Of course I’ll go see that movie with you, because you love me. Why on earth would you want to see me suffer?” And t... |
1686241540-61 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Trevor Noah: Lost In Translation (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-lost-translation-2015-full-transcript/ | Filmed at The Lincoln Theatre in Washington, D.C. [upbeat music] [cheers and applause] Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hello. Yeah! This is us. Hello. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to see you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome. Welcome. This is us. Washington, D.C. [cheers a... |
1686241543-62 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Joe Rogan: Triggered (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-triggered-2016-full-transcript/ | [rock music playing] [audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Joe Rogan. [audience cheering and applauding] What the f*ck is going on, San Francisco? Thanks for coming. I appreciate it! God damn! Put your phone down, f*ckface! I see you, b*tch! Put your phone down! Motherf*ckers. They can’t use the... |
1686241547-63 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Michael Che Matters (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/michael-che-matters-transcript/ | Voicemail again? Yo, Che! What they doing out here, man? People out here doing specials, they just up there, just talking. What they doing up there? Like, they don’t even make their specials special no more. You talking more like, that night, like the leather suit special. Remember when they used to do that back in the... |
1686241551-64 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Norton: Mouthful Of Shame (2017) Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-mouthful-shame-transcript/ | First of all, thank you so much for doing this. I know you’re busy. I was kind of embarrassed to ask you.
What do you need, exactly?
Because I’m… Um, I want you to… – You’re gonna look into the camera. – Right. Get the audience really psyched up to see me, a nice introduction. Just get them really juiced to have me c... |
1686241555-65 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | George Carlin at USC (1977) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-at-usc-1977-full-transcript/ | Good evening, I’m Shana Alexander. Home Box Office has asked me to introduce tonight’s On Location featuring George Carlin. Tonight you will see a performance usually seen only if you can get to the nightclubs, college campuses, and theaters where George Carlin is a constant sell-out. A portion of Mr. Carlin’s performa... |
1686241559-66 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DOUG STANHOPE: NO REFUNDS (2007) – Trascrizione italiana | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-no-refunds-2007-trascrizione-italiana/ | New York è sconcertante nel… è una città che si vanta di essere un totale letamaio. Fanno: “Non c’è niente di buono qui e la gente ne è orgogliosa, è felice. “Oh, è… è troppo costosa e troppo popolata… e puzza di piscio.” E i comici… i comici girano gli speciali qui. E aprono tutti con la battuta: “Si, pago 8.000 dolla... |
1686241563-67 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Lenny Bruce: The Berkeley Concert (1965) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lenny-bruce-berkeley-concert-1965-full-transcript/ | Recorded December 12, 1965 (released 1971, produced by John Judnich and Frank Zappa) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hahahaha, you like this? Be weird I have no pants on… The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nun…just on Friday’s. I can’t work with this thing..it’s a…isn’t that funny? Backst... |
1686241567-68 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BIG JAY OAKERSON: LIVE AT WEBSTER HALL (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/big-jay-oakerson-live-webster-hall-2016-full-transcript/ | [crowd cheering] [heavy rock music] – Let’s get you going here, hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [screaming] [cheers and applause] Let’s go! [cheers and applause] [heavy rock music] ** [cheers and applause] – Yeah, right? [cheers and applause] Wow. That… [chuckles] That was a lot of bravado for a fat guy wh... |
1686241571-69 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AZIZ ANSARI: INTIMATE MOMENTS FOR A SENSUAL EVENING (2010) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-intimate-moments-sensual-evening-2010-full-transcript/ | Recorded on July 1, 2009 at The Brentwood Theatre in Los Angeles. – Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Aziz Ansari! – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Whoa, whoa. Oh, wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That’s... |
1686241575-70 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | NICK OFFERMAN: AMERICAN HAM (2014) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nick-offerman-american-ham-2014-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome America’s humorist: Mr. Nick Offerman. Good evening. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good Christ, people. Yeah! Minor nudity was advertised. Minor nudity achieved. Drink it in. Life can be this delicious. Before I wrap it all the way up, I’d like to extend a… personal thank you to a l... |
1686241579-71 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Neal Brennan: Women And Black Dudes (2014) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-women-and-black-dudes-transcript/ | [Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen ... |
1686241583-72 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Hannibal Buress: Comedy Camisado (2016) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hannibal-buress-comedy-camisado-2016-full-transcript/ | [indistinct conversations] [woman laughing] [host] Please welcome to the stage Hannibal Buress! [audience cheering] [hip-hop music playing] What’s up, Minneapolis? Thank you. Thank you, Minneapolis! Yeah! [audience cheering] Yeah. A lot of people were asking me, why am I filming my special in Minneapolis? [man] Why? Ev... |
1686241587-73 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny (2010) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-seriously-funny-2010-full-transcript/ | Whoa! Yeah, Cleveland. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling? Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch, ain’t it? I don’t like that— All this snow. I don’t like that shit. Y’all got that slushy shit, that slipping snow. Hey, look— God damn it. There’s slush. There’s slush right th... |
1686241591-74 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AMY SCHUMER: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-live-apollo-2015-full-transcript/ | My name is Amy, and it’s my show! ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Man, I been did that ♪ ♪ Man, I been popped off ♪ ♪ And if she ain’t... |
1686241595-75 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Jim Jefferies: Alcoholocaust (2010) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-alcoholocaust-2010-full-transcript/ | [Horn honks] [Indistinct conversations] [scattered cheers and applause] [Rock music plays] fuck. [Speaking indistinctly] [laughs] ladies and gentlemen, this [Laughs] is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage Jim Jefferies! [Cheers and applause] Hello. Thank you. Thank you. ... |
1686241599-76 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF (2012) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-mostly-sex-stuff-2012-full-transcript/ | Fuck, yeah! This is such a big night for you. but I’m celebrating. I finally just slept with my high-school crush. Right? Thank you. Thank you, but I swear, now he, like, expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I’m gonna be in three years, right? I’m like, “Whoa!” Slow it down. Fucking kids, right? Fuckin... |
1686241603-77 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | BILL BURR: WHY DO I DO THIS (2008) – Testo italiano completo | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-i-2008-testo-italiano-completo/ | Va bene, grazie, grazie mille. Va bene, Gesù. Va bene, va bene. Sedetevi, sedetevi. Avremo di che parlare… Va bene, grazie, grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie. Va bene, va bene, grazie, grazie… Gesù Cristo! Distribuisci un po’ di biglietti omaggio e si presentano tutti. “Questo tizio spacca! Biglietti omaggio! Mi piace!” È b... |
1686241607-78 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RICHARD PRYOR: …HERE AND NOW (1983) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-here-and-now-1983/ | Richard Pryor will make me laugh until I cry. – I just I love his humor. – He can make anything funny. He hits home.
After all, that’s why I’m here, ’cause of the people. It’s not something that was made up in some agent’s office.
Tell the world go out and see Richard Pryor. The man is phenomenal. He’s the best comed... |
1686241611-79 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Richard Pryor: Live And Smokin’ (1971) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-and-smokin-1971-full-transcript/ | Richard Pryor: Live & Smokin’ is the first stand-up act of Richard Pryor to be filmed out of the four that were released in total. This film was filmed in 1971 but not released until 1985, on VHS. This was the first stand-up act that Pryor did before he hit the mainstream audience. With only 48 minutes of footage, it i... |
1686241615-80 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of ... |
1686241619-81 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Marc Maron: More Later (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/marc-maron-more-later-2015-full-transcript/ | – I don’t feel great. It’s not—like, I think it’s gonna be fine, but I just— like, I feel bloated and gassy a little, maybe a little feverish. Is this for anybody? – Mm-hmm. – Like, here’s what I’ll do. I’m just gonna have the healthy— just have a healthy salad. What am I doing, dude? We got to start— we’re starting th... |
1686241623-82 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DANIEL TOSH: PEOPLE PLEASER (2016) – FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-people-pleaser-2016-full-transcript/ | Comedy Central Stand-up Special performed at The Wilshire Ebell Theater, in Los Angeles, July 2015
[“Pepper” by Butthole Surfers]
Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountai... |
1686241627-83 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Norm Macdonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-hitlers-dog-gossip-trickery-2017-full-transcript/ | Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, yo... |
1686241631-84 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ALI WONG: BABY COBRA (2016) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ali-wong-baby-cobra-2016-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage: Ali Wong! Hi. Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Thank you for coming. Hello! Hello. We are gonna have to get this shit over with, ’cause I have to pee in, like, ten minutes. But thank you, everybody, so much for coming. Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very ex... |
1686241635-85 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Donald Glover: Weirdo (2012) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/donald-glover-weirdo-transcript/ | Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, gonna talk about a lot of stuff. My parents are gonna see it. They’re the ones in the other car. My mom hasn’t. Yeah. I want her to see what I do, you know? Yeah… but you know, if you gotta do that… You know, you can’t live in fear. You see I’m trying to make a turn, right? It doesn’t matter. Bu... |
1686241639-86 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | John Mulaney: New In Town (2012) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-new-in-town-2012-full-transcript/ | [funky 90’s beat and cityscape pan] [singing] ♬ New in town, [John Mulaney jumps out of apartment with rolled up papers] ♬ John Mulaney’s New In Town… [John tries to put mustard on his hot dog and dramatically squirts his shirt] ♬ He’s spilling mustard on his shirt, [John is in an office setting and comically drops an ... |
1686241643-87 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | NORM MACDONALD: ONE NIGHT STAND (1991) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-one-night-stand-1991/ | Transcribed by Brian Soule I BIT MY TONGUE Well, good to see ya- good crowd here. How ya doing tonight, ya alright? (Crowd cheers) Good stuff, there. Well, I’m doing alright, too. I, uh, not much of a day for me- I, uh, I bit my tongue today, that was about all. You ever do that? Man, that hurts, eh? Still hurts. It’s ... |
1686241647-88 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | NEAL BRENNAN: 3 MICS (2017)- FULL TRANSCRIPT | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-3-mics-2017-full-transcript/ | [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Neal Brennan. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. I’m vegan, but I’m a hypocrite about it. Like, I wear leather and I eat meat. [audience laughing] The Internet is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, except every adventure ends with me masturbating. The Little League World S... |
1686241651-89 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | AL MADRIGAL: WHY IS THE RABBIT CRYING? (2013) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/al-madrigal-why-is-the-rabbit-crying-2013-full-transcript/ | [dog barks] [FisherGreen’s Sisters Brothers plays] II – Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Al Madrigal. [cheers and applause] II – What is happening? How you guys doing? Thanks for coming out. I really appreciate it. Hey. My name’s Al. I’ll tell you guys about myself. I live in Los Angeles, and nea... |
1686241654-90 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | DANIEL TOSH: COMPLETELY SERIOUS (2007) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-completely-serious-2007-full-transcript/ | Recorded at OC Pavilion in Santa Ana, CA Dan, in five minutes. Daniel. Let’s begin. Ladies and gentlemen. Daniel Tosh. Thank you. Thank you. I deserve that. I’m really good. One of the best. That’s yeah, the best. Currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up, you guys are in for a treat. 19000 people. This is... |
1686241658-91 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JIM JEFFERIES E IL CONTROLLO DELLE ARMI IN AMERICA | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-e-il-controllo-della-armi-in-america/ | Il comico australiano Jim Jefferies ridicolizza l’ossessione americana per le armi nel suo speciale BARE Netflix (2014) Ciò di cui parlerò ora dividerà il pubblico. Ah! Controllo delle armi! Ora… Aspettate… non scaldatevi, perché qui c’è gente con la pistola. Quelli contro le armi diranno: “Si’ Jim, forza!” No, dai shh... |
1686241662-92 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | Saturday Night News with George Carlin [11/10/1984] – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/saturday-night-news-with-george-carlin-11-10-1984-transcript/ | …..George Carlin
…..Pamela Stephenson
…..Gary Kroeger
Lew Goldman…..Billy Crystal Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson George Carlin. George Carlin: Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight: The crew of the NASA space shuttle Discovery spent their fourth day in orbit posing for telev... |
1686241666-93 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | GEORGE CARLIN: RELIGION IS BULLSHIT [TRANSCRIPT] | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-religion-is-bullshit/ | When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there... |
1686241670-94 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DANIEL TOSH (2003) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-daniel-tosh-2003-full-transcript/ | Comedy Central, Season 7, Episode 23 One, two, three, four…
Announcer: From New York City, comedy central presents: Daniel Tosh: Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Ha... |
1686241674-95 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | JEN KIRKMAN: JUST KEEP LIVIN’? (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jen-kirkman-just-keep-livin-2017-full-transcript/ | Hello. I should use a microphone, really. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was the perfect amount of applause. I didn’t have to stand here too awkwardly long. Thank you for coming. I am Jen. If you didn’t know, maybe you wandered in, now you’re having a fun time with me. Um… It has been brought to ... |
1686241678-96 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | CHRIS ROCK AT THE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE (1996) – Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rocks-monologue-saturday-night-live-1996/ | Saturday Night Live Season 22: Episode 5
November 2, 1996 …..Chris Rock Chris Rock: What’s up! Good to be back – I live here! So, I guess it’s not good to be back. It’s good to be here – my alma mater. This is where it all started. You know, I’ve been doing a lot of things the last couple of years – doing commercials,... |
1686241682-97 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | ERIK GRIFFIN: THE UGLY TRUTH (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/erik-griffin-the-ugly-truth-2017-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, live from Laugh Factory Long Beach, Erik Griffin!
Hey! What’s up, Strong Beach? Um… I’m feeling special for this special, right? Uh… I’m gonna be honest with you, the ugly truth is, I wanted to be in shape for this. I had big plans, too. I was like, I’m gonna get in shape. Um… hurt my ankle, um… ... |
1686241686-98 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DAVE ATTELL (1999) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-dave-attell-1999-full-transcript/ | Dave Attell (S02E07) is the seventh episode of season two of “Comedy Central Presents” released on Sat Jul 10, 1999. Announcer: From New York City… ( Cheering, applause) Thank you very much. All right, back at you. Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, uh-huh, why not? How’s it going? You guys are into it. I like it. For those of you wh... |
1686241690-99 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | LISA LAMPANELLI: BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD (2015) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lisa-lampanelli-back-to-the-drawing-board-2015-full-transcript/ | Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lisa Lampanelli! ¶ Hello, New York! All right. Welcome to the best night of your sad, pathetic freakin’ lives. This is gonna be a great night ’cause not only am I hilarious, you get to look at me for over an hour. Go ahead. Oh, yes. Work, bitch. No, I’m telling you, you may have not... |
1686241694-100 | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/ | RORY SCOVEL TRIES STAND-UP FOR THE FIRST TIME (2017) – Full Transcript | https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rory-scovel-tries-stand-up-for-the-first-time-a-netflix-special/ | [speakers: pop ballad playing] [crossing bell clanging] I was, like, “You know what? If you’re gonna fuck with me, I’m gonna have you killed.” But then that guy was like, “I don’t know if I can handle it.” And I was like, “Of course you can’t! Nobody can handle the heat!” You guys know. I bring heat. Buddy, it’s broken... |
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